Napoleon Dynamite Evangelism
by Erulasto
Summary: A short explanation note is included within. Basically, this is a Christian version of Napoleon Dynamite not meant to be taken seriously.


_DISCLAIMER: This was made as a comedic skit that I and some friends performed for my church youth group, and later for the whole church. It is written as a screenplay, not as just a regular fiction. It was supposed be 'a comedic skit showing the follies of bad evangelism'. Thus, the evangelism methods of Napoleon in this skit are NOT meant to be followed. I don't think Christians should imitate them, and hopefully nobody does. This is just supposed to be for fun._  
**NAPOLEON:**** What kind of person would want me to witness to them? I don't even have any good skills! I don't have any evangelism skills, or Bible teaching skills...They only want people with good skills!  
_enter SOMEONE_  
****SOMEONE:** Hi. Hey, I noticed you go to church and talk about Jesus and stuff. Can you tell me about Him?  
**NAPOLEON:****Uh...  
****SOMEONE:**Please? I need to know about Him so I can go to heaven!  
**RANDOM VOICE OFFSTAGE:** Your mom goes to heaven!  
**NAPOLEON:**** Well, I see you're coming to church. Is that 'cause you think you're saved? 'Cause you're not...you could be going to hell!  
****SOMEONE:** What? Forget that, I'm not coming to church anymore now!  
**NAPOLEON:**** Such an idiot!  
_Exit SOMEONE. Enter SOME OTHER GUY, also known as just GUY. NAPOLEON gets out a Bible and starts reading it_  
****GUY:** Hey Napoleon, let me see your Bible!  
**NAPOLEON:**** No, go find your own!  
_GUY grabs for Bible_  
****GUY:** Come on, Napoleon, let me see it!  
_NAPOLEON pushes him away._  
**NAPOLEON:**** Get off, I haven't had hardly any time to read today!  
_GUY kicks NAPOLEON_  
****NAPOLEON:**** Ow! Idiot!  
_exit GUY. NAPOLEON looks toward audience._ ****NAPOLEON:**** It looks like my witnessing techniques haven't been getting me anywhere. _enter REX_  
****REX:** I might be able to help with that! My name is Rex, and if you study with my eight-week program, you'll learn a system of witnessing that I developed over two years of fighting against the Pentagram. It's called Rex-Kwon-Witnessing! First, you'll learn the buddy system--no more flying solo! You need God watching your back at all times! Next, you'll learn to discipline your appearance. You think I got where I am today because I dress like Pastor Pan here? _motions to pastor in audience_ No way! _motions to his pants_ You think anyone wants to hear about Jesus when I've got these bad boys on? Forget about it! Now, I need a volunteer.  
_NAPOLEON raises hand_  
**REX** You'll do. Come on up.  
_NAPOLEON comes up_  
**REX:**Bow to your sensei. _NAPOLEON bows_ BOW TO YOUR SENSEI! _NAPOLEON bows again_ Now grab my arm. _grabs arm_ Other arm. _NAPOLEON uses his other arm to grab REX's same arm_ My other arm! _grabs his other arm_ Now watch, people! I'm just going to hand him the tract, walk away. Give the tract, walk away!_REX gives NAPOLEON a tract, NAPOLEON sits down_ In addition to everything you've just seen here, you can learn how to be a really great witness, and win people over to the Lord. You'll also learn how to get their money so you can use it for your--I mean, God's kingdom! Now, for only $300, you can sign up for my eight week program.  
**NAPOLEON:**** Well, that was pretty much totally pointless!  
_exit REX, enter PEDRO_  
****NAPOLEON:**** Hey, Pedro. Do you know what I could do to like, be a better witness?  
****PEDRO: Hey Napoleon. Well, aren't you pretty good at talking to people, like being friendly and stuff?  
****NAPOLEON:**** Yeah, pretty much the best that I know of.  
****PEDRO:** Then why don't you go up to the person who you want to hear about God, and be nice and give them like a gift or something?  
**NAPOLEON:**** That's a pretty good idea.  
_exit PEDRO. Enter SOMEONE and GUY. SOMEONE is beating up GUY, has him in a headlock, and throws him onto the ground_  
****GUY:** Ow, get off of me!  
**SOMEONE:** Give me that lunch money! _Walks away, dejected_ Rex said this would work!  
_NAPOLEON walks over_  
**NAPOLEON:**** How's your neck?  
****GUY:** Stings a little.  
**NAPOLEON:**** That's too bad. _holds out a Bible for him_ Jesus offers you His protection.  
****GUY:** Hey, this Jesus guy sounds pretty cool!  
**NAPOLEON:**** Yeah, He has, like, this really sweet love, and mad-awesome skills in creating the universe, doing miracles and stuff...He's really awesome!  
****GUY:**Sweet! I think I'll follow Him!  
**NAPOLEON:**** Yessssssss!  
_exit both_ **


End file.
